My friend insomnia

My friend insomnia is back; our friendship has spanned a timeline of ten years. She first became my friend at the age of eleven when we first moved to the suburbs and as I settled into my new surroundings she soon became my distant friend but then she came back when I was in my first year of high school; a horrendous amount of events happened to me that year, firstly I was in a high school where none of my former friends would be, I was the only black person in the entire school, my baby brother drowned and practically died in my arms and my mother passed away six months later.

My friend insomnia sat with me through all the rage and maniac nights, she wasn’t the most comforting of friends but at least she was there. She was there to see my creativity sprout out of my sadness, I wrote countless poems in the silence of night, I cried into my pillow until it was soaking wet and my friend insomnia was there with me. I would stand up and watch as the sun slowly rose from under the earth and when my step-mom would walk in to wake me up I would pretend I had just woken up. 

In the day my friend insomnia was nowhere to be found, I would buy energy drinks and energy bars to keep my body from getting lethargic, my cravings for knowledge in all forms kept me awake in classes but when I got home I would throw myself on the bed and stare at the ceiling, waiting for night to come, waiting for my friend to arrive.

I became a philosopher if I can say so, I wrote many essays ,theories, thesis  and poems Shakespeare would be proud of but still I felt empty, I was mad, I was sad, I was confused. I would sit up in my bed and ask my friend insomnia “Why did my mum leave me without saying goodbye, she died with no one around her, why didn’t she tell me she was sick. Why did God take my baby brother- he was an innocent soul?” Of course insomnia would stare at me like a stupid dog and not answer, she just lay there heavy and cold on my lap.

Every night was the same: I would watch tv until I couldn’t watch it anymore, I would then read my English school books and finish some readings that were supposed to take us weeks to finish, I would then read some books that weren’t part of the school syllabus and then I would write and write and write but still I felt empty. One particular morning the sunrise resembled that of the morning when the news of my baby brother’s death arrived, I could feel my veins draining and my soul dissolving into the ether but then suddenly out of the blue I remembered a Psalm I had learnt when I was nine years old, Psalms 27, I remembered the first four lines. “The Lord is the light and my salvation, whom shall I fear, the Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?’ A sudden lightness came upon me, I could feel my friend insomnia slowly letting go. My eyes were opened, my heart was healed and every night from that night I slept earlier and earlier.

I had forgotten my old friend Jesus in my time of need; instead I had hung onto my dark friend insomnia who took more than she gave. I opened the Bible to bring forth light in my life for where there is light darkness cannot exist even in the night. I felt lighter and newer- God was my light and Jesus my stronghold. How could I have forgotten that?

When I went to university my friend insomnia had but disappeared and plus I met great people with great energies, being around them was like lying close to a slow running stream.

But my friend insomnia is back; it maybe because I am anxious about events in my life I have no control over, it may be that I am being tested. I don’t know but I must keep my faith and not let my old friend insomnia get a hold of my life again. It is 01:48 in the morning. I’m going to try to go to sleep but before I do I’ll read Psalms 27.