Buying Jesus

I like to think of myself as an honest and loyal follower of anything that fortifies my soul. I like routines and consistent sequences; I like to work around the clock and to time myself. If I do not follow my daily routines I feel lost, agitated and irritated, hence I do not visit a lot because once I am in another’s person’s space I cannot impose my lifestyle on them and I become like a hobo and a wandering lost soul.

So I wake up every day at about eight and I automatically say a quick prayer; thanking God for the blue skies, the birds and my family; I then brush my teeth and wait for Creflo Dollor to begin on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, after him I’ll watch Joyce Meyer and after that it’s either Perry Stone or Pastor Rod Parsley. I feel revived as if I have jumped in a cold blue pool filled with the Holy Spirit and with this feeling I flip to my favourite channel Fashion TV- from ten to eleven they showcase men’s fashion which I enjoy and watch with utter and undisturbed concentration. Men’s fashion is simple; it can make cheeky statements without needing too much, with men’s wear it’s all in the detail; the make of the shirt, the cufflink, the pattern on the shirt, or the type of stitching on the pants or leather shoes. I make a mental note of what I like; the black and blue brogues, the simple but classic black and white t-shirt and the always-in-season white shirt.

I think of how amazingly creative the designers are as I sip my extra strong coffee and eat my all protein breakfast (carbs are the devil, at least that’s what the models say). I go through my mental notes again, I really like the black and blue brogues but I can’t afford that quality and make, so I settle on looking for a cheap black and white t-shirt.

 At one o’clock I watch Pastor Hagee, I like this man’s truthfulness in his messages; his booming voice resonates to my soul and I listen to him with great submission but also with eager willingness. At the end of the thirty minute sermon he promotes his own books, CDs and DVDs just like Creflo Dollor, Joyce Meyer and Perry Stone did. I don’t particularly enjoy these promotions; they leave me feeling guilty and inadequate as a Christian. All the books, CDs and DVDs are a must-have in order to lead a “prosperous”, “holy” life. I debate with myself on which ones I should buy and decide on neither- I can’t buy Jesus. I can buy Jean Paul Gaultier, I can buy Dolce and Gabbana, Viktor and Rolf, Karl Lagerfeld, Roberto Cavali or Salvatore Ferragamo but I can’t buy Jesus Christ that is one label that is priceless. He bought us with a priceless substance that surpasses all substances- love.

I am not saying one should not buy Christian self-help books, I’m just saying there is too much to choose from and are they all really necessary? The style of the books are not to my taste, I enjoy story telling and not dictation, so books like William Young’s The Shack are the type of books I would feel compelled to buy. I love Jesus and getting to know Him better is my main aim in life; now I must confess the secular world does invade my relationship with him but it does not overtake or consume it.

At the end of the day I go through my mental notes again: my list is empty, no black and white t-shirt, no brogues and no Joyce Meyer DVDs or books. It’s six o’clock: it’s time to watch the final minutes of the setting sun, drink my strong coffee and listen to my heavenly mix of gospel music. I turn up the volume and imagine Jesus is in the room enjoying the sunset with me. In three hours I will need to take a shower then glare at the stars and thank God for them.

Obedience

“Have you considered that maybe you’re bisexual?” A gay Christian friend asked me on a lovely Saturday night. We were driving to a friend’s party and on the way there my friend and I (whom I had not seen in months) were catching up on each other’s lives. Our conversation was deep and was centered on homosexual experiences and relationships. I thought hard after hearing his question. “I don’t want to be what I don’t believe in, I don’t want to be a hypocrite” I told him. I don’t believe in bisexuality, I believe you either gay or straight. People, who claim to be bisexuals I think are liars, forgive me if I come across as arrogant but I believe there must be a definitive sexual attraction in each of us- one is either homosexual or heterosexual it’s as simple as that. Just like how people do not understand homosexuality, I do not understand bisexuality; it’s as simple as that.

When I went into puberty there was one thing I thought I was sure of: the body I was in was not meant for me. I hated my hips, my breasts, my supple flesh devoid of any real muscle and filled with cushioning fat, I hated the roundness of my face and my soft jaw-line. If I had the money and the crazy parents who would allow it, I would have had a sex change but I am glad I had none of that because in my world of despair and struggle I came closer to God. I may not have understood why I had the feelings I had about being female, I may not have liked it but I knew God made me and He had not made a mistake by making me female. I exercised a lot and my body responded well to it: I had hard abs, firm and toned thighs, my arms were a pain though, they refused to gain any muscles so they were just toned and skinny. My face was still round and I hated that- I wished I had prominent cheekbones and a hard defined jaw-line like the men I saw in perfume ads.

Whenever I looked at a half naked male models, the feelings I had were not usual of most young girls- while girls gushed over their chiseled abs and prominent cheekbones, I looked at them with envy and wished I looked like those male models. My family commented on my body and liked the healthy look I had but they didn’t understand why I walked the way I did. “Why don’t you walk like a girl?” my very feminine aunt would ask. I was always confused when this question got to me; it was not like I woke up everyday practicing my walk- I just walked and it just so happened to be a masculine walk- I got over people asking me about how I walk, I would just smile and move the conversation into another direction.

At high school I met a good looking guy, with the most beautiful blue eyes and we became best friends from day one. At sixteen he came out to me that he was gay- confused is not the word to describe it, I was beyond confusion, he seemed to be the straightest guy I had ever met. If he was gay then I was more than gay but I accepted him and his boyfriend who became my good friend and was the friend I was going to the party with. “So what is your stance on being gay and Christian?” he asked me when we got to his bedroom. I forgot what my answer was but I will answer it now. I genuinely believe there are people who are gay without themselves wanting to be gay, they don’t do it because it is a trend or because they can’t get girlfriends or boyfriends, they just find themselves gay and there is nothing they can do to eradicate it.

As a Christian I believe the bible is the infallible word of God and all who claim to believe it should do as it says; you can’t pick and choose which parts you’ll follow or not follow. I believe our church leaders are ordained by God and we should listen carefully to what they say and follow it; if you know your bible then you’ll know whether the person preaching is preaching the truth. If one finds themselves to be gay and believes in Jesus Christ then they should not think it is a compromise of it’s either I’m gay or it’s either I am Christian, I believe you can be both.

It is not my place to judge and it is not in my place to condemn, it is my place to love as that is the greatest commandment of all. I cannot tell a person to change unless it is for their own good and not my own self-righteousness. Whether a gay person should become heterosexual while being a Christian; I do not know. If one loves God then they will be obedient to Him and His word. Obedience is an important principle of being Christian, if we are obedient we are safe and we become prosperous because we follow the word of God. I could have had a sex change but I didn’t because I know that God is Lord over my life and my body. Just because we can does not mean we must; this is what caused the great fall from the Garden of Eden. Following our feelings is not the best path to take; God is there for a reason, just because I feel like a male does not mean I should become one, same goes for homosexuality. We must all remember that the wisdom and knowledge of God is infinite and far beyond our own.

There are days of great darkness where I can’t stand how look and I wish I could run out of my own body and catching the sight of my reflection makes me literally sick, but when these days come I look to Jesus, the creator of all things including me and my beautiful body.

The stylish Christian

I woke up suddenly a different person. Now I am a person who takes identity very seriously; building mine took a long time and accepting myself for who I am took a while; but waking up a few weeks ago I came to find out I was different, my identity had changed and this scared me. The clothes I used to like revolted me, the shoes I so used to love I found repulsive and did not want them on my feet. I settled on the only shoes that my soul agreed with: they were black leather boots and the only wearable shoes out of my funky sneaker collection. I looked at those sneakers as if looking at an old picture of myself and not recognizing myself in them, decided I should go shopping.

Going into my favourite, affordable and stylish shop I found myself drawn to clothes I would most of the time never give a second look. I saw my hand pick out pants that were just too loud and shirts that were a bit too complicated and sophisticated for my age. I went into the dressing room and found my attire akin to that of a proud and loud but stylish gay person. I looked at myself over and over not wanting to take my clothes off. I looked at myself up and down from my silver brogues, up my tartan pants, to my white crisp shirt and tilted my pixie straw hat. This is me I told myself, this is who I am, I am comfortable and I am happy with who I have become today. I took off the straw hat as it did not agree with the ensemble I had put together. I neatly put the clothes back on the hangers and decided I would only take the brogues as they would become the staple of my wardrobe and to be realistic I could only afford them.

On the long journey home I thought of what the cause was for the sudden change in me. I do watch a lot a lot Fashion TV and I am a cult follower of Elle magazine I thought, could it be that maybe subliminal messages from these media could have reached my subconscious and then my conscious somehow found it? I don’t know, but I find I am gradually changing and I am gladly accepting it. The only thing I was afraid of was becoming shallow as I thought of myself quite a deep person who enjoys and appreciates poetry and indie movies, but also I think of myself as a serious Christian and this new undertaking of all things fashionable and stylish could compromise my journey with God.

 It’s been over a month since that identity changing morning and I am glad to say I am connected to God even more; I thank Him for the wonderful hands that make my clothes and the wonderful minds that come up with the designs. I also thank Him for making me the way I am. Nobody in my family understands they just watch me with loving but scared eyes filled with questions, none of which they will ask, but I am happy they love me and accept me even though they do not understand the sudden change. It was scary becoming Christian and what was even scarier was telling everyone that I take God seriously and that I intend to do whatever I can to take our relationship higher and deeper as it could go and this meant letting go off some behaviours and attitudes and ultimately becoming a freak to others.

Undertaking this new fashionable and stylish self means I’ll be seen as a freak by others but I have experience in that area. People in the church, my family and friends may not understand but God does.