I woke up suddenly a different person. Now I am a person who takes identity very seriously; building mine took a long time and accepting myself for who I am took a while; but waking up a few weeks ago I came to find out I was different, my identity had changed and this scared me. The clothes I used to like revolted me, the shoes I so used to love I found repulsive and did not want them on my feet. I settled on the only shoes that my soul agreed with: they were black leather boots and the only wearable shoes out of my funky sneaker collection. I looked at those sneakers as if looking at an old picture of myself and not recognizing myself in them, decided I should go shopping.
Going into my favourite, affordable and stylish shop I found myself drawn to clothes I would most of the time never give a second look. I saw my hand pick out pants that were just too loud and shirts that were a bit too complicated and sophisticated for my age. I went into the dressing room and found my attire akin to that of a proud and loud but stylish gay person. I looked at myself over and over not wanting to take my clothes off. I looked at myself up and down from my silver brogues, up my tartan pants, to my white crisp shirt and tilted my pixie straw hat. This is me I told myself, this is who I am, I am comfortable and I am happy with who I have become today. I took off the straw hat as it did not agree with the ensemble I had put together. I neatly put the clothes back on the hangers and decided I would only take the brogues as they would become the staple of my wardrobe and to be realistic I could only afford them.
On the long journey home I thought of what the cause was for the sudden change in me. I do watch a lot a lot Fashion TV and I am a cult follower of Elle magazine I thought, could it be that maybe subliminal messages from these media could have reached my subconscious and then my conscious somehow found it? I don’t know, but I find I am gradually changing and I am gladly accepting it. The only thing I was afraid of was becoming shallow as I thought of myself quite a deep person who enjoys and appreciates poetry and indie movies, but also I think of myself as a serious Christian and this new undertaking of all things fashionable and stylish could compromise my journey with God.
It’s been over a month since that identity changing morning and I am glad to say I am connected to God even more; I thank Him for the wonderful hands that make my clothes and the wonderful minds that come up with the designs. I also thank Him for making me the way I am. Nobody in my family understands they just watch me with loving but scared eyes filled with questions, none of which they will ask, but I am happy they love me and accept me even though they do not understand the sudden change. It was scary becoming Christian and what was even scarier was telling everyone that I take God seriously and that I intend to do whatever I can to take our relationship higher and deeper as it could go and this meant letting go off some behaviours and attitudes and ultimately becoming a freak to others.
Undertaking this new fashionable and stylish self means I’ll be seen as a freak by others but I have experience in that area. People in the church, my family and friends may not understand but God does.
No comments:
Post a Comment