Obedience

“Have you considered that maybe you’re bisexual?” A gay Christian friend asked me on a lovely Saturday night. We were driving to a friend’s party and on the way there my friend and I (whom I had not seen in months) were catching up on each other’s lives. Our conversation was deep and was centered on homosexual experiences and relationships. I thought hard after hearing his question. “I don’t want to be what I don’t believe in, I don’t want to be a hypocrite” I told him. I don’t believe in bisexuality, I believe you either gay or straight. People, who claim to be bisexuals I think are liars, forgive me if I come across as arrogant but I believe there must be a definitive sexual attraction in each of us- one is either homosexual or heterosexual it’s as simple as that. Just like how people do not understand homosexuality, I do not understand bisexuality; it’s as simple as that.

When I went into puberty there was one thing I thought I was sure of: the body I was in was not meant for me. I hated my hips, my breasts, my supple flesh devoid of any real muscle and filled with cushioning fat, I hated the roundness of my face and my soft jaw-line. If I had the money and the crazy parents who would allow it, I would have had a sex change but I am glad I had none of that because in my world of despair and struggle I came closer to God. I may not have understood why I had the feelings I had about being female, I may not have liked it but I knew God made me and He had not made a mistake by making me female. I exercised a lot and my body responded well to it: I had hard abs, firm and toned thighs, my arms were a pain though, they refused to gain any muscles so they were just toned and skinny. My face was still round and I hated that- I wished I had prominent cheekbones and a hard defined jaw-line like the men I saw in perfume ads.

Whenever I looked at a half naked male models, the feelings I had were not usual of most young girls- while girls gushed over their chiseled abs and prominent cheekbones, I looked at them with envy and wished I looked like those male models. My family commented on my body and liked the healthy look I had but they didn’t understand why I walked the way I did. “Why don’t you walk like a girl?” my very feminine aunt would ask. I was always confused when this question got to me; it was not like I woke up everyday practicing my walk- I just walked and it just so happened to be a masculine walk- I got over people asking me about how I walk, I would just smile and move the conversation into another direction.

At high school I met a good looking guy, with the most beautiful blue eyes and we became best friends from day one. At sixteen he came out to me that he was gay- confused is not the word to describe it, I was beyond confusion, he seemed to be the straightest guy I had ever met. If he was gay then I was more than gay but I accepted him and his boyfriend who became my good friend and was the friend I was going to the party with. “So what is your stance on being gay and Christian?” he asked me when we got to his bedroom. I forgot what my answer was but I will answer it now. I genuinely believe there are people who are gay without themselves wanting to be gay, they don’t do it because it is a trend or because they can’t get girlfriends or boyfriends, they just find themselves gay and there is nothing they can do to eradicate it.

As a Christian I believe the bible is the infallible word of God and all who claim to believe it should do as it says; you can’t pick and choose which parts you’ll follow or not follow. I believe our church leaders are ordained by God and we should listen carefully to what they say and follow it; if you know your bible then you’ll know whether the person preaching is preaching the truth. If one finds themselves to be gay and believes in Jesus Christ then they should not think it is a compromise of it’s either I’m gay or it’s either I am Christian, I believe you can be both.

It is not my place to judge and it is not in my place to condemn, it is my place to love as that is the greatest commandment of all. I cannot tell a person to change unless it is for their own good and not my own self-righteousness. Whether a gay person should become heterosexual while being a Christian; I do not know. If one loves God then they will be obedient to Him and His word. Obedience is an important principle of being Christian, if we are obedient we are safe and we become prosperous because we follow the word of God. I could have had a sex change but I didn’t because I know that God is Lord over my life and my body. Just because we can does not mean we must; this is what caused the great fall from the Garden of Eden. Following our feelings is not the best path to take; God is there for a reason, just because I feel like a male does not mean I should become one, same goes for homosexuality. We must all remember that the wisdom and knowledge of God is infinite and far beyond our own.

There are days of great darkness where I can’t stand how look and I wish I could run out of my own body and catching the sight of my reflection makes me literally sick, but when these days come I look to Jesus, the creator of all things including me and my beautiful body.